Ridiculousityness….

Life is too short to not have fun. And while the job of Security is a serious one, you are in big trouble if you take yourself too seriously. A sense of humor is key.

So this week, a little bit of fun…

MOST RIDICULOUS THINGS SAID TO BOUNCERS

(and what should have been the Bouncer’s response):

  1. “Don’t mess with me bro, I do stand-up fighting.” – So, is that like comedy with in a boxing ring?
  2. “I train martial arts, so I think I’d be a good bouncer.” – Until you got knocked out by a good fighter.
  3. “That’s my ID, I swear. I just grew last year.” – Uhm, like 4 inches?
  4. “Is this the line?” – No, these people just like standing out here and talking to each other.
  5. “I’m a high roller, you have to let me in tonight!” – You do realize it’s $3 college beer night, right?
  6. “Let me and my friends in, we’re hot.” – Not hot enough for this bar.
  7. “You wouldn’t be so tough without your security shirt” – Very true. I’d also be a lot colder and way more pissed off than I am now.
  8. “How much do you bench press/lift” – Whatever it takes to get it you out the door.
  9. “What would you do if I took a swing at you?” – Duck.
  10. “Do you think you can kick my ass!?” – No. But there are 10 other guys working who think they can.
  11. “This bar sucks. I’m never coming back.” – See you in 15 minutes.
  12. “Are all bouncers as rude as you are?” – Only to people as rude as you.
  13. “Did you go to bouncer training school?” – Yes. It’s right next to genius school…which you obviously attended.
  14. “I know the manager!” – So do I. He’s the one that told me to kick you out.
  15. “Don’t you know who I am?” – Brad with the fake Nevada ID?
  16. “Can I get in dressed like this?” – Only on Pink Tank Top Tuesdays.
  17. “I’ll be waiting for you out here when the bar closes.” – Good to know. I’ll use the back door when I leave.
  18. “We just got to town. Do you know where we can score some drugs?” – Rite Aid?
  19. “That cocktail waitress/bartender is a real bitch.” – Let me get her boyfriend, the Head of Security. You can complain to him.
  20. “Your dress code is too harsh.” – The 7-11 down the block will be happy to let you in.

To finish off this post, here is quite possibly one of the most amazing examples of a “tough guy” customer being not only calmed down, but completely humbled.

I lied.

Today’s post was supposed to be about the importance of the buddy system. But after an amusing conversation with a bouncer friend of mine, I decided to mix it up a bit. This post is for the folks on the other side of the rope: the patrons. It will give you a bit of insight as to the way a bouncer’s mind works and how you should behave while in a nightclub (or while trying to get in). And, as always, it’s written with tongue firmly planted in cheek.

If you find yourself described anywhere in this post you need to re-assess your approach to nighttime entertainment or stop going out altogether.

So, without further ado:

NOTE FROM THE BOUNCER

1) My name is not Chief, Boss, Buddy, Pal, Champ, Dude,  Man, or Bro. Don’t know my name? Ask. Or use the same name that we use when addressing you: Sir, Ma’am, or Miss.

2) I am not your friend, buddy, or  pal. So don’t act like we spend time together on the weekends or see each other on a non-club, social basis. Unless we actually do, in which case you can come up and slap me on the back to say hello. Making believe that you know me will only get you embarrassed. And yes, I will ask you in front of your friends what my name is.

3) Don’t cut in line. It’s rude, it’s obnoxious, it is one of the greatest fight instigators in nightclubs, and it will get you sent back to the end of the line. You learned this one in elementary school, right?

4) Ladies, put your boobs away. Flashing cleavage or actual breasts to get into a club is classless, demeaning to you, and absolutely unnecessary. Believe it or not, most doormen have significant others, so boobs are something they see on a regular basis at home. And no, yours aren’t so special that you need to show them to the staff. Besides which, you’ve just let every lurpy guy in line know that you are willing to do some interesting things to get your way. Not smart or safe.

5) Guys, you are not the coolest guy in town because you “know the doorman”. You are, however, a tool who spends way too much time in the same club, every weekend, and still can’t manage to pull chicks. It might have something to do with the fact that you are spending way too much time in the same club, every weekend. Try staying home and reading a book once in a while or going to a movie. They’re fun too.

6) Yes, I know it’s a fake ID. No, really. I can tell by the green photo background, the uneven type, and the misspelled “Califrnia”. It’s either that or the fact that when I bent the ID in half, the laminate cracked in half and your photo slid out.

7) I will catch you lying if you use someone else’s ID. If it’s not the height discrepancy (5’9″ tall means 5’9″ without heels on), it will be the weight (trust me, you do NOT weigh 115 lbs.), the eye color (brown, not blue), or the fact that you don’t know the capitol of whatever state your cousin who looks vaguely like you lives in. (HINT: The capitol of Idaho is NOT Des Moines, that’s in Iowa)

8 ) If the club sucks and we’re jerks for kicking you out, why do you insist on standing on the sidewalk pouting and trying to get back in?

9) I don’t want to fight you. Period. There can only be one of two outcomes: hospital or jail. I don’t want to go to either one.

10) Yes, you probably can kick my ass. But I’m not sure about how you will fare when the 5 to 15 other guys on staff come over the rope.

11) Yes, you really are that drunk and can’t come in. Either that or the entire world has tilted off-axis and you’re the only one who’s noticed.

12) If you ignore me on the street, I will ignore you in the line. Courtesy and kindness go a long way. It’s o.k. to say hello to me in the street and introduce me to your friends. Ignoring me and then trying to get ahead of the line later that week will only end in rejection.

13) Please, Thank You, and Excuse Me go a long way. You’ll amazed at how much better the treatment is when you use these words.

14) No, I don’t know who you are. If I did, we would have exchanged mutual greetings, right?

15) I also “…know the manager.” But when he hears my side of the story, he’ll probably back me up and you’ll still get kicked out or not let back in.

16) I realize that you spent $1250 on a booth and bottle service. But now that you’ve thrown up on yourself, your friend grabbed the cocktail waitress’s behind, and your girlfriend is being carried out the door, it’s time to leave.

17) If we threw you out last week, we’re not letting you in this week..or the week after…or the week after that.

18) Motorboating the cocktail waitress, grabbing the go-go dancer’s behind, and goosing the bartender are three of the fastest ways to get ejected and arrested. If you’re lucky, none of them is currently dating the Head of Security.

19) Tips are always appreciated. But so are smiles, respectful nods, and a nice, “How are you tonight?”

20) Next time you think, “Security takes their jobs too seriously”, remember it is that attention to their job that made the evening you just enjoyed without getting knifed, thrown up on, or sexually harassed by some creep, possible.

21) “It’s time to leave.” Means just that. If this is said in conjunction with “Last Call”, feel free to finish you drink and depart. If said in any other context, my advice to you is to grab your things and go.

22) Don’t ask us to call the police to “..resolve this issue.” At the very least it will result in your ejection from the bar. Worst case scenario: Go Directly To Jail, Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200.

23) Saying “You’re a real jerk/a**hole/douchebag” to a doorman is the equivalent of saying, “Please remember my face and don’t ever let me in again.”

24) I am not refusing you service based on your ethnicity, race, or religious beliefs. I am, however, refusing to let you in based on your basic inability to follow the dress code. What part of tuck in your shirt and pull up your pants do you NOT understand?

25) The words, “Oh yeah? Well, I’m never coming back here again!” are music to a doorman’s ears.

As you can tell, the majority of the items listed above deal with common courtesy and respect for your fellow human being. Security is there to ensure that you have a pleasant evening. Sometimes we come across as gruff or even mean but believe me, we try our best to stay on an even keel. Unfortunately, while you are behaving yourself and having a good time, someone else is blowing it for the rest of the party. And it is our job to take care of them so that you can continue your good time.

Have a great weekend!