The Sins of The Bouncer

Human beings are imperfect. As a matter of fact, I have yet to meet anyone who didn’t exhibit a number of flaws in their character – including yours truly. From work ethic to fiscal responsibility to a short temper, you can bet that someone you know has an aspect of their life that could use a little work! As a matter of fact, the workplace is where many people’s faults and flaws are amplified or exacerbated. And your friendly neighborhood bar or nightclub is no different.

Unfortunately, the general public has a skewed view of bouncers. They’re seen as muscle-bound idiots on power trips who care more about hitting on girls and getting into fights than they do actually being helpful or keeping people safe. And, truth be told, that can often be the case! After all, stereotypes have to come from somewhere and many bouncers do NOT help to reverse the bad guy image.

I present to you…THE SINS OF THE BOUNCER!!!

Pride/Ego

You know the type: can’t be bothered to speak to their co-workers, only talks to the cutest girls, is rude to most guys (besides their bros, of course), and is more than willing to argue with the Manager – after all this is HIS door and no one tells him how to run it. Pride and Ego will get a bouncer into far more trouble than they can possibly imagine and will most definitely lead to trouble. What’s the saying? “Pride goeth before the fall”? Too much Pride and Ego will keep you from acknowledging your faults, learning a new skill, or admitting fault, and will definitely alienate your Patrons and Co-workers.

If you take pride in being known as the “asshole at XYZ Club”, just remember that XYZ Club won’t be around forever and you’ll probably need another job. Who’s going to hire the asshole? On the flip side, if XYZ does happen to be around forever, how’s your Ego going to react when a club-goer from 10 years ago comes by and says, “What, you’re still here?” Remember, you’re a Bouncer, not the Sultan of Brunei. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, it’s an acknowledgment of gaps in your skill set and a willingness to be humble. Wanting to improve is a sign of self-awareness and a desire to grow. And humility will get you a lot farther than you think.

Violence

“I’m here to kick ass and chew bubblegum…and I’m all out of bubblegum” It is always easy to spot the guy or girl who is eager to go “hands on” with any Patron, is content when they can literally pull someone out of line, finds joy in throwing people out the Front Door with as much force as possible, and is definitely NEVER backing down from a fight. There are many, many, many individuals who see working in bar and nightclub security as carte blanche to release their anger issues or violent tendencies on unsuspecting individuals. What almost all violent individuals seem to forget – and maybe it’s a result of being hit in the head too many times – is that they are NOT going to be on the “winning” end of a fight…even if they win it!

Besides the moral issue of unnecessarily laying hands on people, there is the matter of being fired and sued for doing so…even if you may have been in the right! There is also the very real possibility of seriously injuring a Patron or co-worker or yourself; not to mention how bad your actions are going to make you, your co-workers, and the establishment look. And here’s a little tidbit for you brawlers to chew on: there are very, very few undefeated PROFESSIONAL fighters on this planet. I promise that you’re not going to be one of them.

Laziness

Helping the team pick up trash at the end of the night will not make anyone think less of you. Getting up from your stool to check IDs doesn’t make you look any less tough. Escorting a coworker to their car or helping a Patron into a cab is not going to take away any of your Instagram likes. Taking the time to learn what the new IDs look like is not going to make you worse at your job.

If you don’t want to work, don’t come into work. You aren’t doing the rest of the crew any favors by complaining, dragging ass, or mysteriously disappearing when it’s time to stack chairs. What many don’t realize about being lazy at work is that it actually shows. It comes across in your body language. Not only does it make you look bad to your boss but the Patrons will be able to spot it a mile away. They might not know what your job entails but they – and your boss – can spot a slouching, uninterested, half-asleep employee a mile away. Just stay home. No, really, stay home.

Impatience

No one said that dealing with inebriated individuals was easy. Or even fun. Well, ok, on occasion it can be humorous. But if you don’t have the patience to listen to someone repeat the same story 3, 5, 10 times…you’re in the wrong business. If you don’t have the patience to tell someone the same thing 3, 5, 10 times…you’re in the wrong business. We’ve said it a million times, dealing with drunks is like dealing with 3-year-olds: they’re annoying, they don’t listen, and they probably don’t understand what you want them to do. So you need patience.

Impatient staffers have the tendency to snap at Patrons, rush into situations without thought, and generally miss the entire point of what their boss is telling them. Being quick to action is not necessarily a fault but it can have devastating consequences. Taking a moment or two to surmise what is ACTUALLY being said or what is going on can mean the difference between apologizing to a Patron for almost throwing them out or apologizing to the boss because you threw out their drunk friend. Yes, people can be annoying. Yes, people will not pay attention to you. But taking a moment to formulate a plan, figuring out what to say before you say it, or having a little empathy for the frazzled Patron will make your job much less stressful and much more bearable.

Greed

When most people think of greed, they think only of money. But greed is by definition “…an intense and selfish desire for something, especially wealth, power, or food”. Greedy bouncers want more of something. Their thought is, “What’s in it for me?” For some, it is money: they take from the register, overcharge on the cover, demand money to cut the line, or pocket the tips that are meant for their co-workers. Others will want to jump ahead in job title, jockeying to become the Doorman or VIP Host or Head of Security, no matter what the cost. And some refuse to give up shifts or won’t work anywhere but where they will get attention and adulation.

The problem for a greedy person is that there is never enough. So they will do whatever it takes to get more, which in turn begets its own set of issues. You may be lining your pockets without realizing that someone is actually counting the register and expecting there to be X amount of money in there at the end of the night. Charging some people extra at the door may cause a ruckus up front when the Patrons – and your boss – realize that you are running a racket. Not giving up your shifts might mean that when you need a shift covered, no one is willing to help you out. There is no room for greed on a team. Greed takes you out of the team equation. Greed blinds you to the needs, concerns, and potentially the safety of others.

Have you considered that perhaps the Patrons will reward you financially – through continued business and tips – if you work with the team instead of only looking out for Number One? Or that if you give up the occasional shift, someone might actually turn to you as the go-to when they can’t make it in? Being a team player pays off in non-fiscal ways: it earns you the trust, respect, and confidence of others. And ultimately, that is worth far more than the extra few dollars in your pocket.

Lack of Knowledge / Lack of Training

 Now more than ever, security jobs are focusing on safety, security, and customer service. An individual working in a bar or nightclub in a security capacity needs training – be it on the job or in a classroom setting. The days of hauling someone into the alley and beating them about the head and ears are long gone. The days of liability, lawsuits, and punitive damages are most definitely here. Not knowing how to do your job properly may let an under-rage drinker into the bar. Lack of training might lead you to miss the heavily intoxicated Patron about to fall down the stairs. Lack of training may even get you killed trying to break up a fight. There is nothing cool about not knowing how to do your job.

Get licensed! It is something that I have stressed too many times to count. And in this day and age, most municipalities and states require licensing of some kind. At the very least, licensing will give you a basic understanding of your role and cover you should anyone ever ask for proof of training. If you are lucky, you may work for a business where training is provided for you. If not, seek it out! Better yet, have your boss hire someone to put on a training session for you and your co-workers that cover a variety of different topics.

But remember, learning isn’t just about seminars and classrooms. If you don’t know how to do the job, while on the job…ASK! There will always be someone who knows how to do that thing. Someone with more experience than you. Ask for performance reviews. Ask for critiques of how you handled situations. Hold work meetings to hash out problems and look for solutions. Gaining knowledge will not only make you better at your job but will make you a more valuable employee. If you learn enough of the things, at some point down the line someone will be coming to you for help!

If you are an individual who can recognize yourself as partaking in one or more of the above listed “sins”, remember that it is never too late to change. I would even opine that we all slip back into old behaviors on occasion. But one of the great things about being human is that we can make the choice to do and be better AT ANY TIME. Take inventory of your skill sets. Check your attitude and approach. And work on improving yourself. It will make you more valuable to your employer and more importantly, it will make you a better person overall.

 

 

Working during the Holidays

This is one of two annual End of Year posts before we head out on vacation. Enjoy

We find ourselves at the end of another year and with it the always stressful Holiday season. Shopping, cooking, relatives…and work. While much of the world gets to relax, many people – especially those in retail or the service industry – have to work. It is not fun, but as I explain in the post below, it is a fact of life. Is this a re-post? Yes. Why? Because every year someone – maybe even me – is going to complain about working.

So, here goes:

Over the years I’ve had the pleasure of working with individuals of high integrity, strong work ethic, and exceptional character. I have also had the displeasure of working with slackers, layabouts, whiners, and the occasional ne’er do well. (I will now brush off my own shoulder for the use of such descriptive words…thank you.) When you work the field of security, there are many realities that you have to learn to face – or at least should – at an early stage of your career. The main one is this:

YOU MAY HAVE TO WORK WHEN YOU DON’T WANT TO WORK!

As a matter of fact, you will probably have to work EXACTLY when you have something else to do! Security is a profession in which your skill set is in demand ALL THE TIME. When most people are doing something else, you are working. Period. This is especially true during the Holiday Season. During the month of December, there are parties, events, parties, and events…and did I mention parties? They will fall on every conceivable day of the week, but usually on weekends. And definitely on the days that you were expecting to do your Xmas shopping. Or that your grandmother is coming to visit. Or on your “day off”.

First, let me clarify that I am not complaining about working wherever, whenever. It’s my job, I do it. Period. Have I missed out on fun, celebrations, vacations, and holidays due to work? Yes. Will I complain? Possibly. Will I work again if asked? Yes.

EVERY. TIME.

Why?

BECAUSE IT IS MY JOB.

Whenever December rolls around, there WILL be events. And there is a good chance that Security will be needed to work them. Remember, people need to be safe 24/7/365. This is especially true during the Holiday Season when people are known to get a little “loose” at parties or stressed while shopping. And yet, as soon as Staffers start getting scheduled to work, the whining begins:

“Why do I have to work again this year?”

“Bob always gets New Year’s off!”

“But I have a work party to attend!”

Let me break it down for you a little:

Do you want a job or do you want convenience?

Sometimes your job makes your life inconvenient. You aren’t paid to set your own schedule, someone else pays you to work THEIR SCHEDULE. And there is no convenience during the Holiday Season, especially in the service industry. Don’t like things that way? Start your own business. Actually, don’t. Because when you work for yourself, you work ALL THE TIME…especially during the holidays.

If you want time off for the holidays, ask for it in advance.

Way in advance. Like a month in advance. And remind your manager every week until the time you get off. Why? It’s responsible, mature, and shows initiative. Remember, everyone will want the month of December off. Also, you should realize that there is a good chance that you will NOT get Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s off, even if you ask. If you’re lucky, you might get 1 out of the 3. And in reality, if you’re lucky you’ll be asked to work all three because your skill set is in demand.

Sometimes, in life, we have to do things we don’t want to do.

Sorry, that’s just the way it is. As the old saying goes, “Sometimes you eat the bear … and sometimes the bear eats you”. Sometimes you have to work on your birthday. Or your wife’s birthday. Or your boss’ birthday. Or on Xmas eve. Or New Year’s Eve AND New Year’s Day. If your free time is more important than your job, especially when your job entails random hours and unpredictable situations…you should find another job.

Take one for the team.

No one else can/will/wants to work? Maybe you should step up and show the boss that you are willing to do whatever it takes to be part of the team. I guarantee that if you volunteer to work over the Holiday Season you will get to witness your employer looking simultaneously confused, excited…and impressed.

On the flip side, you can’t act like a whiny baby if you get scheduled to work, you haven’t asked for the time off, and it’s your job to keep people safe. The only thing that acting like that will guarantee is someone else doing your job…once you are fired for not doing it yourself.

So prepare yourself for the Holiday Season. It will be hectic and it will be tiring. The hours will be long, the parties ridiculous, and the lines even worse. Smile, take deep breaths, and remain patient, even when you have to escort drunken Santa out of a bar full of people. But then again, if you didn’t like a challenge, you probably would have chosen another profession…right?

Spring Break Safety Tips

A little deviation from the norm this week as we approach Spring Break across this great land of ours. This one is for the kids!

Spring Break! Ah, the memories: Sunshine, the beach, attractive guys and gals, refreshing beverages, and adventures to last a lifetime. While our Spring Break days are long over, we are realists here and know that for many students and youngsters, this is the time of year to cut loose and get a little crazy. Fortunately, most students’ Spring Break will end with happy memories. Unfortunately, some trips will contain the unhappy memories of theft, assault, and the worst-case scenarios of injury or hospitalization.

For you kids out there, how can you ensure that you will be in the “Happy Memory” group? By following some simple Spring Break Safety Tips!

1)  SIGN UP! – First and foremost, do yourself (and your parents) a favor by signing up for the Smart Traveler Enrollment Program (STEP). The STEP program enables the State Department to contact you in case of a family emergency, or to notify you of a crisis near your travel destination. They also provide a Smart Traveler iPhone App. The State Department also has a great “Students Abroad” page that is worth a look.

2)  Makin’ copies – Make copies of your passport, passport card, and itinerary. Leave a set at home with someone you trust. Keep your passport in the hotel safe (as long as it is in YOUR room and YOU set the passcode) along with your valuables.

3)  Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems – Before you depart, notify your credit card company that you are travelling to avoid getting your card shut off and to help spot unusual charges. Should you need to visit an ATM, DO NOT GO ALONE. Have one person use the ATM while the other(s) stands watch. DO NOT count your money in public or flash it around. You should only carry the money and credit cards that you need when you go out, in a hidden pocket if possible.

4)  “Pour up, drank. Head shot, drank” – Regardless of what Kendrick Lamar says, don’t fill up a swimming pool with liquor and dive in. This tip will probably elicit groans and eye rolling, but the reality is that excessive drinking impairs your judgment. And you DO NOT want to be in a foreign country or unfamiliar city while seriously impaired. If you are going to drink, designate someone to the “Sober Guide” for the day. If you each take a turn, everyone will be safe and happy. Besides, not drinking everyday will actually help you enjoy your trip even more.

In addition, should you (or a friend) feel noticeably intoxicated after a drink or two, be aware of the possibility that you have been slipped Ambien or Rohypnol (Roofies). Excessive slurring, wooziness, and difficulty standing are surefire signs that you’ve been drugged. If this is the case, notify your friends immediately and leave your location. If the symptoms worsen, seek medical attention IMMEDIATELY.

5)  Drinking, Sunlight, and Hot Tubs…Not a winning combination – As much as we propagate the idea of chillin’ on the beach/in the hot tub with a drink, it is actually pretty bad on your body. Drinking in the sun will not only cause you to forget things like sunscreen (lobster tan, anyone?) but will intensify the effects of alcohol and lead to increased dehydration. And drankin’ in the hot tub dilates your blood vessels and lowers your blood pressure, which can lead to unconsciousness and drowning.

Stay in the shade, wear sunscreen, put on a hat, and DRINK WATER as often as possible. Already been drinking? Stay out of the hot tub!

6)  Party Drugs – Again, we are realists here and know that the temptation – or for that matter solid plan – to do drugs may be on the agenda. Remember, the laws governing your Spring Break destination are probably VERY different from the laws in your home state/country re: illegal drug use. Some countries offer the death penalty for transport or even possession of drugs. Do yourself a favor and don’t try to buy drugs in – or try to smuggle them into – a foreign country. Better yet, don’t do the drugs at all.

7)  Go Together/Leave Together – The saying, “There is safety in numbers” exists for a reason. You instantly become a target when you are walking alone or hanging out in the club by yourself. Make sure that you are watching out for each other and that no one wanders off. Remember that “Sober Guide” idea? Implement it and travel as a group. The other benefit to operating in “group think” is that the single person’s vote can be overridden a.k.a “We are ALL leaving. NOW.”

8)  Hook it up…or don’t – Yes, everyone imagines the amazing Spring Break hook up. In reality, this can lead to catching a nasty cold, contracting something you can’t get rid of that easily, or more seriously, sexual assault. Be realistic: if you plan on hooking up over your break, stock up on protection. Or you if plan on a quick make-out session, make it clear that things are going any further. Better yet, save yourself the hassle and just hang out with your friends.

9)  Strangers in Paradise? – In regards to the hook up or even the hangout, just because you meet a “chill” group of people doesn’t mean you should abandon your friends and set off on your own. Stick with your friends or bring along someone you trust. That goes for bringing randoms back to your room as well. Don’t do it. As soon as your room becomes the “party room”  valuable things start to disappear.

10) In Case Of Emergency – 911 does not work in every country. As a matter of fact, each country has its own version. Here is the list of emergency numbers around the world:http://studentsabroad.state.gov/content/pdfs/911_ABROAD.pdf

11) Have A Good Time – In spite of what may be perceived as “doom and gloom” in this message, we want you to have a good time on Spring Break. As long as you pay attention, stick to your friends, act responsibly, and actually get a little rest, we guarantee that you will have fun. Enjoy yourselves!

Happy New Year!

Goodbye, 2015. And hello, 2016! We hope that your year ended well and that the year to come is a healthy and prosperous one.

While we would usually not look back, I find it fitting that this New Year’s Eve video is currently making the rounds. Many of my formative years working Security were spent in the doorway of a nightclub. Looking back on some of those adventures, I only wish that I’d been able to record the interactions that took place. I have to hand it to this bouncer for taking the initiative and doing that very thing. Not only that, but he does his job well and – as far as I can tell – makes it home safely at the end of the night.

For those of you who wonder what it is like to be a bouncer in a club or who don’t realize the constant stream of characters that they have to deal with on a regular basis, here you go. For those of you who look at nightclub security staff with disdain, this might help to give you an idea of the work that they do EVERY NIGHT, and why the job is far more difficult than it appears. Remember, security staffers are people too; so please treat them with some respect!

Another night on the Door

Don’t be a “Bouncer”

Over the course of the past few years writing this blog, the importance of  being “professional” and all that might entail has been reinforced in a number of our posts. Instead of a long reiteration of said posts, I thought that a few quick sentences could demonstrate how not to be – or be perceived as – a “Bouncer”. Please understand when I say “Bouncer”, I mean what the general public believes “bouncers” to be: large, menacing individuals who would rather fight than talk, and who take pleasure in belittling Patrons because they are on a power trip.

Here is a basic list – which if followed – will at the very least help you keep your job in the industry and possible even help to burnish your reputation. Much of it will seem like common sense…unless you’ve spent any time in a nightclub, in which case many of the sentences are far too common.

DON’T start fights

DON’T lose your cool over small things

DON’T be rude to Patrons

DON’T argue with intoxicated individuals

DON’T sexually harass your Patrons

DON’T drink on the job

DON’T play favorites with your Patrons

DON’T work for tips

DON’T make fun of or belittle your Patrons

DON’T sexually harass your coworkers

DON’T ignore your Patrons when they are trying to ask you a question

DON’T argue with your supervisor(s)

DON’T fight with your co-workers

DON’T automatically assume the intoxicated Patron is wrong

DON’T complain about your post for the night

DON’T get on a power trip

DON’T expect to be let go early

DON’T pick sides in an argument between Patrons

DON’T get upset when Patrons call you, your mother, or different members of your family terrible names

DON’T act like you are better than anyone on the Staff or in the line

DON’T lose your cool over big things

DON’T go into work with a bad attitude

DON’T sell drugs or tell Patrons where they can buy drugs

DON’T expect that intoxicated people will listen to anything you say

And, most important…………

DON’T EVER LOSE YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR!!!

Until next time.

 

Spring Break Safety Tips

A little deviation from the norm this week as we approach Spring Break across this great land of ours. This one is for the kids!

Spring Break! Ah, the memories: Sunshine, the beach, attractive guys and gals, refreshing beverages, and adventures to last a lifetime. While our Spring Break days are long over, we are realists here and know that for many students and youngsters, this is the time of year to cut loose and get a little crazy. Fortunately, most students’ Spring Break will end with happy memories. Unfortunately, some trips will contain the unhappy memories of theft, assault, and the worst-case scenarios of injury or hospitalization.

For you kids out there, how can you ensure that you will be in the “Happy Memory” group? By following some simple Spring Break Safety Tips!

1)  SIGN UP! – First and foremost, do yourself (and your parents) a favor by signing up for the Smart Traveler Enrollment Program (STEP). The STEP program enables the State Department to contact you in case of a family emergency, or to notify you of a crisis near your travel destination. They also provide a Smart Traveler iPhone App. The State Department also has a great “Students Abroad” page that is worth a look.

2)  Makin’ copies – Make copies of your passport, passport card, and itinerary. Leave a set at home with someone you trust. Keep your passport in the hotel safe (as long as it is in YOUR room and YOU set the passcode) along with your valuables.

3)  Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems – Before you depart, notify your credit card company that you are travelling to avoid getting your card shut off and to help spot unusual charges. Should you need to visit an ATM, DO NOT GO ALONE. Have one person use the ATM while the other(s) stands watch. DO NOT count your money in public or flash it around. You should only carry the money and credit cards that you need when you go out, in a hidden pocket if possible.

4)  “Pour up, drank. Head shot, drank” – Regardless of what Kendrick Lamar says, don’t fill up a swimming pool with liquor and dive in. This tip will probably elicit groans and eye rolling, but the reality is that excessive drinking impairs your judgment. And you DO NOT want to be in a foreign country or unfamiliar city while seriously impaired. If you are going to drink, designate someone to the “Sober Guide” for the day. If you each take a turn, everyone will be safe and happy. Besides, not drinking everyday will actually help you enjoy your trip even more.

In addition, should you (or a friend) feel noticeably intoxicated after a drink or two, be aware of the possibility that you have been slipped Ambien or Rohypnol (Roofies). Excessive slurring, wooziness, and difficulty standing are surefire signs that you’ve been drugged. If this is the case, notify your friends immediately and leave your location. If the symptoms worsen, seek medical attention IMMEDIATELY.

5)  Drinking, Sunlight, and Hot Tubs…Not a winning combination – As much as we propagate the idea of chillin’ on the beach/in the hot tub with a drink, it is actually pretty bad on your body. Drinking in the sun will not only cause you to forget things like sunscreen (lobster tan, anyone?) but will intensify the effects of alcohol and lead to increased dehydration. And drankin’ in the hot tub dilates your blood vessels and lowers your blood pressure, which can lead to unconsciousness and drowning.

Stay in the shade, wear sunscreen, put on a hat, and DRINK WATER as often as possible. Already been drinking? Stay out of the hot tub!

6)  Party Drugs – Again, we are realists here and know that the temptation – or for that matter solid plan – to do drugs may be on the agenda. Remember, the laws governing your Spring Break destination are probably VERY different from the laws in your home state/country re: illegal drug use. Some countries offer the death penalty for transport or even possession of drugs. Do yourself a favor and don’t try to buy drugs in – or try to smuggle them into – a foreign country. Better yet, don’t do the drugs at all.

7)  Go Together/Leave Together – The saying, “There is safety in numbers” exists for a reason. You instantly become a target when you are walking alone or hanging out in the club by yourself. Make sure that you are watching out for each other and that no one wanders off. Remember that “Sober Guide” idea? Implement it and travel as a group. The other benefit to operating in “group think” is that the single person’s vote can be overridden a.k.a “We are ALL leaving. NOW.”

8)  Hook it up…or don’t – Yes, everyone imagines the amazing Spring Break hook up. In reality, this can lead to catching a nasty cold, contracting something you can’t get rid of that easily, or more seriously, sexual assault. Be realistic: if you plan on hooking up over your break, stock up on protection. Or you if plan on a quick make-out session, make it clear that things are going any further. Better yet, save yourself the hassle and just hang out with your friends.

9)  Strangers in Paradise? – In regards to the hook up or even the hangout, just because you meet a “chill” group of people doesn’t mean you should abandon your friends and set off on your own. Stick with your friends or bring along someone you trust. That goes for bringing randoms back to your room as well. Don’t do it. As soon as your room becomes the “party room”  valuable things start to disappear.

10) In Case Of Emergency – 911 does not work in every country. As a matter of fact, each country has its own version. Here is the list of emergency numbers around the world: http://studentsabroad.state.gov/content/pdfs/911_ABROAD.pdf

11) Have A Good Time – In spite of what may be perceived as “doom and gloom” in this message, we want you to have a good time on Spring Break. As long as you pay attention, stick to your friends, act responsibly, and actually get a little rest, we guarantee that you will have fun. Enjoy yourselves!

What Does A Bouncer Do?

What does Security actually do? A lot of different things, many of them unseen by the general public. Here’s a little breakdown for you – with liberal doses of humor. If you can’t laugh at life once in a while, what’s the point? A tip of the hat to those who work in the field, some of whose stories I am using in the examples below.

  • Take your fake ID and give it to the police so that you avoid the ticket
  • Tell you to put your high heels back on so you don’t step on the broken glass…or into the puddle of vomit
  • Break up the fight your boyfriend is getting into because, “No one talks to my lady.”
  • Break up the fight your girlfriend is getting into because, “No one looks at my man.”
  • Keep you from climbing over the wall so you don’t slip, fall, and lose your teeth
  • Break up the fight you and your boys started because you, “Roll deep!”
  • Saving you and your boys from the fight you are losing because your opponents “Roll deeper.”
  • Carry you out the door and pour you into a taxi so that you don’t wake up in the drunk tank at 4 a.m. on a Tuesday
  • Ask you to stop dancing and climb down from the bar so that you won’t fall…and people won’t notice that you apparently forgot to wear underwear with your mini-skirt
  • Pull you away from the MMA fighter who you drunkenly informed, “I could probably kick your ass”
  • Take you out of line and put you on a bench so the police officers watching the line won’t arrest you for being drunk in public
  • Inform you prior to entry that your winning team’s sport jersey should probably not be worn to the losing team’s bar
  • Pull the creepy guy off you who insists that he knows you…even though your name is Tina and he says it’s Nancy
  • Patiently listening to you while you drunkenly insist on talking to your “…good friend Dave, the manager”, even though his name is Steve and he has no idea who you are
  • Try not to laugh too loud when you cut in line and say you, “…are going to spend mad cash up in here”…and it’s $2 drink night
  • Allow you to vomit on us so that you don’t vomit on the police officer
  • Deny you entry for over-intoxication now, so that we don’t have to carry you back out the door in five minutes
  • Kick you out of the bar for “motorboating” the cocktail waitress…whose boyfriend happens to be the Head of Security.
  • Take the beer from your hand before you walk out to the sidewalk with it and into the waiting arms of Law Enforcement
  • Nod and smile when you drunkenly inform us that our mothers are “women of loose morals”, and then guide you into the waiting arms of Law Enforcement
  • Thank you for telling us that our club is the “worst place ever” and let you know that the biker bar next door would appreciate a person of your candor

Believe it or not, the guys working the door and inside the club are there for your safety and security. They want you to have a good time, preferably one that doesn’t involve ejection of bodily fluids, physical violence, or verbal threat. Give ’em a break, huh?

Until next time…